I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
