I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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