And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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