He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
