i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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