Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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