she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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