All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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