I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
