I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
