She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
