: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
