I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
tell me about the fingering
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
