So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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