She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
