God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
