Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
