just come out here and I will go home with you...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
