A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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