Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
