You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
