hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
