She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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