One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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