My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
