Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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