i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
