I faked an abortion last night.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
