i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
