Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
