oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
