I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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