me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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