You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
