You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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