I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
