Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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