This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
