Someone shit on the floor
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
