I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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