Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
