Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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