I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
