I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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