i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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