I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
