The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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