I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
