Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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