I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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