He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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