I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
